Thanks puss-in-boots for hearing me out. It's times like these where I wish I had someone sitting before me, to be praying together with me, but it seemed unlikely that you were going to be the one. Staring at the mess in front of me makes me tired, really tired. All the TKGS, ACJC yearbooks, all the lecture notes from previous NUS semesters, all the classical CDs, Christian CDs, classic novels, Christian literature. Having to pack all these makes me tired. More emotionally tired rather than physically tired.
Times like these I wish there was someone there to talk to me, to hold my hand and pray with me. Perhaps You're teaching me to run to You. Perhaps You're showing me the way. If You are, show me clearly. If he's not the one, tell me. If he's the one, show me.
Was a tearful moment as I shared with puss-in-boots what has been going on since I came back. I wish you weren't the one judging me, complaining about me in front of my parents, and then asking me, "how to win them to Christ?" I wish you weren't the one who was praying for me to not be so excited about missions. I wish I wish, but it has all happened. So God, where are you leading me to? One year, one year, I will seek, I will ask, I will find, and God I trust You will show.
Puss-in-boots once again reminded me to pray, to fast, to seek, to ask. And I will.
With the vacuum cleaner blasting in the background, it kind of describes how I'm feeling right now. Like in God's serenity, there'll always be something that is noisy. Like how I'm still learning to surrender ALL, and say, God, I trust You, take my life and let it be.
There's a way to block out the vacuum cleaner, that is to wholly surrender. It's been a wow-derful journey from my mission trip till now. The places I've been, the things I've done, the people I've spoken to, the burdens in my heart, the choices placed in front of me, all by God's grace. It's been truly a journey. But God, why are there so many considerations? Why have you placed me in this current situation whereby I feel like I'm swamped and so distracted by Your calling? What is Your more specific calling for me?
Still, I choose to praise You in circumstances like this, because I know You'll speak in awesome and amazing ways, just as Shirley has reminded me. I know You'll never fail to amaze me. Here am I waiting, abide in me, I pray. I still choose to bless Your name because You've placed in my midst, people whom I can talk to, people whom I can share so freely with even when I've hesitated. Amazed by how You cleared their visas, so that they can go for CM, for the rest of the team to meet up with the CA people. And we were just so praying for that at the same time the visas were cleared! I stand amazed at how YOU answer prayers.
I need to be still, and know that You are God. Too much has been happening, I need to quieten down, come before You, and know and understand truly that there is no greater honour, no higher calling than to worship You. God, I pray You give me this space, give me this time that I need with You.
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
