Sunday, August 24, 2003 @9:08 AM
yesterday(saturday) was supposedly a great day for me. "supposedly". woke up pretty early and went to esplanade to study with emerald and i met brena there! so i ended up studying with her. haven't seen her for quite some time. feels great to see her again! studying was sooooo productive! i studied for my war lit paper. but my "productivity level" declined after i switched to SEA hist. i started to lose my focus and my eyes began to wander around. and while on the phone with brena (cos she went to eat lunch with her friend!), i saw people who almost gave me sore eyes. gosh! ok, i shan't be so bad. but i just wasn't really prepared to see them. why do i need to be prepared to see them? don't interrogate me. i do not know. it still hurts. as they walk past, i felt like i was in a world of darkness. indescribable. well, noone noticed they walked past other than me. of all people, i had to notice. and also recognise his "hello" smile. gosh! how bad can life be? i just felt so terrible. totally terrible. it's been a long time, i know. but there are memories too. pleasant and lousy ones. somehow, lousy memories seem to hit me harder than the good ones. tried not to think about it anymore and thus decided to go walk around the lib. so i walked out and wanted to go to the washroom. and guess who i saw?! saw the both of them in front of the escalator, having some serious conversation. she looked really pissed and he looked like he was pacifying her. in fact, she looked like she was crying. (but who cares?!)anyway, i was so confused as to if i should walk past them or just take the lift down. i was walking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro, wondering if i should just heck and walk past them. well, i did. don't think they saw me anyway. then i went up the escalator again after going to the washroom. tried to walk as fast as i could. my heart was pounding like mad inside when i walked past them. why? i do not know. i really do not know. i shouldn't be the one avoiding them since i did nothing wrong. i've got a clear conscience. wonder who's the one who haven't got a good heart? i just felt really terrible after seeing them. and then bravo, he msged me, saying that he wants to talk to me in private. i was like ???!!!. whatever for?! you guys are in your own happy world, and that's good for you. i don't care what you people do. whether you guys create your own sphere and make people bounce off the sphere or invite willling people into your sphere, i don't care. i just don't wish to be part of anything anymore. so leave me out of it! i've got nothing to say to you, and i don't think u've got anything to say to me. so we're quits. get it? acting nice doesn't give you brownie points i'm afraid. so save your efforts. leave me out the picture and you'll be happy and so will i be. why do u want to talk to me?! why? remain in your world with your beloved. i repeat, i don't give a heck what you guys do. i really don't. i don't want to know either. i know you guys have got this idealistic mindset of "can we still be friends", but come back to reality people. i'm not saying it's impossible, but not in the near future. i don't care even if people deem you guys as kind hearted and concerned and me as narrow minded and petty. though most people know that it's not true. most people know how much pain i've been through. how much hurt u guys have put forth to me. and how much i do not want to be a part of you two anymore. the world ain't that small. don't you guys have your own circle of friends? does an insignificant me really matter? i would think not. so just leave me out of your little game. i hope to move on. i know i should have, long time ago, but it's tough. i know a lot of truly concerned people out there have been worried about me. sorry to make you people worry. i'm fine, just a little shaken by the whole thing. i will move on. just a matter of time.
priority goes to my prelims and the upcoming A level exams. getting good results is not that hard really. just work for it and i believe i'll reap what i sow. sorry, curses seldom work. and i'll prove to you that i will eventually make it to a good university. i wish u luck in your studies to. and as for the other you, i wish u luck in life.
to happier events, i went down to PS to watch a band. it was some charity event for the straits times pocket fund. desmond told us to go down. and we met warin and her friends there! i saw hui wen there too! what a coincidence. we were all supporting desmond too. haha. what a small world. anyway, the band was great. desmond was a fantastic pianist. it's just so him! they really look like they were enjoying themselves! which was great! i love their jazz songs! you guys were great! well done desmond!
after a mind boggling day, i decided to go home.
i'm off to sit on my piano bench and play piano till it's time for my lesson. take care all!
The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold then in the right scale of values.
-Norman Thomas (1884 - 1968)
*it's not really a secret anymore is it? =)
